Monday, May 28, 2012

Bombs Away

Driving home from work today, I noticed a hint of a new hue, a titch of red, emerging in the trees that line Big Creek along Old Forty.  I slowed to get a better view, and after looking closely, I saw red fruit emerging on the many mulberry trees that dot our landscape.  My first thought was it seems a bit early for the mulberries to ripen.  My next thought was oh no.  It is purple splotch bomb time.

Not only do insects like those luscious berries, but birds do too, with decidedly undesirable results.  Everywhere I look during mulberry season, I see purple splotches splattering cars, lawn furniture, windows, porches, the dog’s back, and on infrequent occasion, a human head!

I know humans studied birds for years to determine how we too might fly.  From looking around our place, I wonder if tactical bombing instructors use the same technique to learn new bombing strategies. 

The idea of carpet bombing undoubtedly occurred to some poor military tactician who had the misfortune to stand in the wrong place when a flock of birds hastily digested their mulberries during a quick take off.  It would not take long to put two and two together to dispatch a group of bomb-loaded planes with a common target.

Stealth bombing must have been modeled after the more stream-lined birds that swoop in for a morsel and then fly a direct pattern over a strategic site.  Most recently, that would have been a spot on my car door that we could not avoid as we exited and shut the door.  It didn’t take long to interpret out my daughter’s squalls of disgust as she rapidly wiped her hand up and down her pant leg after closing the door. 

Stealth bombing also comes into play when birds sight in on the human head.  No one is safe.  Golf courses, picnics, baseball games, and gardens are all certified bombing ranges.  The human head in the open with a clear invitation--Hit me--Hit me--Who can blame the bird? 

Unfortunately for the splatted upon, some birds come with sighting devices that would amaze the Pentagon or the Chinese, and that poor human head is done for.  There is no gracious way to exit a group of fellow bystanders after a fully loaded bird hits ground zero.

Be warned!  Beware of low flying birds.  Consider them armed and dangerous.  For your own protection wear a hat at all times. 

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